You know, I think I've learned a lot over the past two years.
Alright, alright, I know you all know my grades, quit laughing. But really. I do.
I've learned that I can't rely on myself to do anything important. I've let myself down far too many times and I still can't explain why I do. For the second time, I've squandered my parent's money and let my grades go down the drain to the point that my school has asked me to leave. First Ohio State, now Western Kentucky University. It took 2 quarters at Ohio State. 3 semesters at Western. Absolutely terrible.
So as I was saying, I can't rely on myself. I told myself that I'd do well, I tried, but somewhere along the way I started letting things slip, little things that snowballed and eventually caught up and ran me over. And I always do that.
I've learned that I really just need someone to talk to. I don't really have anyone I can talk to these days. I try to talk to a lot of people, but of all of them, nobody ever seems to really listen and care. I really do wonder what my friends think of me. Am I just Iain, the fuckup? I know that's what I am to my parents, and that's the only way I look at myself any more. It's true, after all; I'm just a fuckup.
I've learned that just because someone says they love you doesn't mean they'll take time out of their day to sit and talk about stuff. my girlfriend won't do it; not her fault she always has plans when I need to talk, but it'd be nice if she'd ditch her friends for me once in a while. My sister (I know, I know, you've never actually said it, but I've got that sibling 6th sense) never replies when I try to start a conversation online. My parents always say they want to talk, but every single time we try to it ends up with my mum screaming and running off crying or some shit like that. I really don't know why neither my mum or dad will actually LISTEN to me. I'm 21; by all rights, I'm an adult, am I not? But I'm also their son, and I don't think they'll ever give me a chance to have a real, "adult" conversation with them. I know they want the best for me, but what they want isn't what I want! it isn't what I think is best for me, and am I not allowed to make these calls for myself now? I'm not even sure what IS best for me, but isn't that the point? I want... no, I NEED to get out and try and make some sense of my life. To sort myself out. But I tell them that and they just don't listen. I try to tell them why what they're telling me isn't right, and they think I'm being rude any time I disagree with them. Seriously, ANY time I disagree with them, I'm just being rude. Apparently children aren't ever supposed to have ideas that differ from the ones their parents have for them already. I try to tell them that starting a career isn't what I want right now, that money isn't that important to me as long as I've got enough to scrape by, and they look at me like I'm some kind of moron, then tell me I'm stupid, and yeah, it goes from there.
I've learned that no matter how good a friend you think someone is, once you leave and move 6 hours away there's a 99% chance you'll only ever talk for 5 minutes a month after that, if at all. It really sucks, but it happens all too much. I lost all but one of my friends from Ohio State, and I get the feeling the same thing will happen again now; the people I spend time with down here in Bowling Green will be fine without me and I'll be stuck in Louisville working and living with my parents.
I've learned... no, I've realized that the only things which I know can make me happy these days are driving my Rabbit, playing/listening to music, and dreaming about the future. And that's probably not good.
I've learned that I have no fucking clue what I'm going to do next.
I know nobody is going to read this, nobody ever does. But like I already said, I've got no one else to talk to.
Well now I'm no hero
All the redemption I can offer, girl
Is beneath this dirty hood
With a chance to make it good somehow
Hey what else can we do now
Except roll down the window
And let the wind blow back your hair
Well the night's busting open
These two lanes will take us anywhere...